I’m seated at my chunky white desk in my home office. Spotify is rolling through its Southern Gothic playlist. I can hear my husband moving around on the floor below. He has begun his portion of our shared parental leave – Kieran is taking the final eight weeks – and I am officially Back At Work.
Ten months ago I officially set my “out of office” auto-message. This is the longest I have been away from a working environment in my entire adult life. Though in many ways, the past ten months have been the closest to a true coalface I am ever likely to get. My working life is a white collar one; it’s a job of the mind, and the dirtiest my hands are likely to get is the occasional ink smear. By contrast, these ten months of first parenthood have been the most intensely physical of my adult life. Some days have felt like back-breaking, mind-numbing labour. Other days have been fierce pleasures. I have calves like steel now from miles of pram-pushing – two to six every day, rain or sleet or shine – and while my stomach is stretch-marked, the flab of my upper arms has shrunk under the weight of an ever-growing infant. My body is stronger than it has been in a long time, although it is also a good deal more tired. I have barely sat at a desk in the 308 days I was on leave, and hardly used a computer.
Not that I’ve been out of touch with the academic community or wider internet entirely, of course. It’s just that most of my communications have taken place through one-handed use of my iPhone. It’s strange to be back, with the opportunity to focus for many hours at a time on only the work at hand. Right now my mind feels quite blank! After necessarily-structured days, coming back to the open horizons of an ongoing research project feels both exhilarating and a little intimidating.
Recently I was reflecting on why academic women might find maternity leave (by which I mean proper paid maternity leave for several months, not a few scant weeks off I know my American colleagues endure, barely enough time to recover from the physical processes of labour itself, never mind do anything else) a sometimes challenging experience. (Note: in the UK, maternity leave can become shared parental leave; partners have equal rights to share it. However, as this is a new law, and as at present it is still mostly women who take the lion’s share of parental leave and reap the cultural rewards and punishments of taking up to a year out of employment, I am focusing this on women’s experience.)
No more solitude.
For many academics (particularly in the humanities), a large part of our working day is spent alone. Yes, we may well do many hours of teaching, attending committee meetings etc. But for many of us, a good portion of our week is spent alone in our offices. Even for the most extrovert amongst us, going from having quite a lot of alone time to having virtually none can be quite the challenge! I knew it would be hard at times to have another person be entirely dependent on me for meeting their needs, but I think I hadn’t quite appreciated how much I’d miss quiet time alone to think.
I’ve written before about the concept of academia as a vocation – which I consider to be a pernicious idea that contributes heavily to a culture of stress, poor work-life balance and deprioritising mental and physical health. The idea that we are somehow “called” to be academics not only encourages us to take lower salaries, do unpaid labour and move hundreds (or thousands) of miles for sub-optimal jobs: it also subtly but strongly encourages prioritising work above family. It can make women feel immensely guilty about not doing any academic work while they are on maternity leave.
As part of this, the cultural expectation in academia that we do uncompensated work (e.g. write book reviews, edit journals) can result in an expectation that this sort of work will continue when a woman is on maternity leave. It can be particularly tricky when one is part of a long term project, for instance an edited volume. I am co-editing a book of essays, and so I undertook a small amount of editorial work during my maternity leave, because otherwise we would miss publishers’ deadlines. I was fortunate in that my co-editors were very understanding about my other commitments, and indeed said they would understand if I withdrew from the project. I chose not to, but appreciated that there wasn’t an expectation I would remain part of the project – which began well before I was pregnant! In another industry, though, I would have handed over my projects to an appointed colleague (as my husband has done for his eight weeks off!). So much academic work is done through informal connections and can only really be done by the named person. It can place a heavy burden of guilt on women – what if a project has to be abandoned because you can’t do your part?
Off on a jolly.
Add to that two notions I’ve faced myself in my time off – either that maternity leave is an opportunity for research leave, or it is a sabbatical – and the idea that one actually does not do any academic work at all on maternity leave can seem like a radical one. I have been asked several times how my research is going by well-meaning people who assume that time away from teaching and admin has left me with lots of lovely time to think and write. For the first six months of her life, my daughter would only nap for more than 20-30 minutes if she was being pushed in a pram. Even now, she usually has a solid morning nap but always requires her afternoon nap to take place while out walking. I also did not produce a baby who was happy to just chill out on a mat with a toy box while I diligently caught up on the latest journal articles. Raising an infant is a whole body experience, and it also takes up a hell of a lot of your brain power, I found. Amazingly enough, in the 30-60 minutes a day I might have entirely to myself, I chose to take a bath or read a YA novel or paint my nails. I know women who used their babies’ more reliable nap times to edit articles or write book reviews. Good for them, if that’s what they wanted to do. But it should not feel like an obligation.
The bloody job market.
Of course, as well as the cultural expectation that academics never ever switch off is the sadly pragmatic reality that the academic job market sucks and that taking a year out of it can hurt your career prospects, particularly if you’re an early career academic. It can be very difficult to escape from the fear of “publish or die”, for instance. I had to make a very conscious and deliberate choice that I would not be writing this year, and that that was okay. I may never have another child, and I will never get this time back.
The feminism of maternity leave.
My ten month retreat into the domestic may seem to some people like a conservative move. But I view my refusal to undertake academic labour (apart from a couple of small projects I weighed up as being worth my while to complete) as a feminist decision. Women are still penalised in the workplace for taking up their legal right to maternity leave. I work for an employer that provides very generous leave; I took advantage not of a privilege, but a right.
And now I come back to work – not refreshed after a holiday, but certainly different after months of excavations in a very different kind of coalface. I have my pick axe; let’s see if I remember how to use it in unearthing the medieval past.
I’ll be interested to see how quickly you are able to get back into the swing of academia. I am a PhD student and TA, and until recently was sole caregiver for a dying mother with Lewy Body Dementia. Although I officially remained in the program while Mom was dying, I actually did very little real work. Mom died in February and I ostensibly returned to full-time “thinking,” but I find I’m still unable to think clearly. I wish you the best in everything, and selfishly hope you’ll provide an encouraging model for me.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you find your way back to being able to work. Have you considered counselling or similar in the wake of your mother’s death? It sounds as if you have a great deal to process. Thank you for your good wishes!
I absolutely love this blog, I feel it summarises my existence as someone who entered into the teaching profession as a new mum, constantly trying to prove that I too could keep up with the pace of the constantly changing academic environment. Great read!
Thank so much. I hope things are going well for you!
And this is why maternity leave and flexible working rights form such a huge part of my feminism, despite being childfree by choice.
Welcome back to work, Rachel – I’m sure it won’t be long before you’re back into the swing of this particular pickaxe.
Lis / last year’s girl x
This so much reminds me of my experience of returning to academia after parental leave – adoption in my case. I knew the likelihood of me getting any research done in the 10 months I was off was nil – most of my time was spent looking after my 2 (turned 3 just before I came back) son. So there is a gap in my research record as I started slowing things down when we started the adoption process as you are never sure when you are actually going to leave given the uncertainties of matching.
Even now after coming on 2 years back I know I am changed as an academic – much better work-life balance for one thing as I am more proactive about getting back from work on time (I have to be as I pick my son up for childminders) and leaving work at work as much as I can. It is hard at times juggling being a mother and an academic (and I am an engineer so very male-dominated) but I have been incredibly lucky in colleagues who understand – and a son who has caused me to be off once to look after him due to illness. Plus an understanding childminder who is brilliant when I ring her to say I am running late (normally due to traffic but occasionally due to a student with an urgent problem).
Thank you for commenting! I’m glad you have understanding colleagues. And you’re right; parenthood changes us, not just in our personal lives, but as who we are as academics. So far I think the changes are for the better!